Friday, March 11, 2011
Caught from Freefalling. By River
Sometimes, just sometimes the spirit falls, falls into poverty. Sometimes we see the signs of death of loss of all that we have lost along the struggle, for personal freedom and integrity at every turn. This falling to me feels very much like a dance, a leap and a freefall into sadness, fear and despair. I fell recently, I fell so hard and so fast my head spun. In truth, it span and fell with love. It’s funny when that happens when we walk with the soul bare and stripped. Recently, my tears just fell and fell unheeded sometimes with love, sometimes in fear sometimes in just having lost my compass.
It is at these times when we feel our most alone, when we feel that the sun will never shine again. When we feel the dying pains of the earth and those around us that help is required. And, oh what help has come to me.
Today, my Memphis came home from a trip to see his family with my old car from London full of my Mummies life and presents from his Mum, Dad and Aunty Sally for the kids. How to explain the feeling of receiving a car load of soft velvet curtains, and string, and knitting needles and all the lovely soft aspects of the feminine, of the womanly? We Winters have moved 8 times in three years, we have spent some hard winters here in Portugal and some glorious springs. This winter was most definitely the hardest for me, we arrived in our home so to speak and I unpacked and saw all that had been left behind. What grace, what joy to still be here, to be finally indoors and playing with soft things. To be reminded that though I may belong to the clan of the wild woman, a woman who gardens on the edge of wilderness and fights with all her strength to provide for her family that I am still someone’s daughter, daughter-in-law, neighbor, friend, niece, sister, cousin, lover, mum and of course dog mum.
Finally the great deep depth of earth we will use for our vegetable patch is drying out and I have dug over 5 beds now. My heart is so full of gladness to still be here, to finally be here. To be here with my Mum and my kids and to have so much of Memphis’ family all over our walls and in the kitchen cupboard and on the kitchen table. Yes "Tom" all we do need is love and an infinite amount of patience.
I still hope for everything we came here for. A thriving vegetable patch, flowers at every turn, repaired stone walls, chickens, ducks, sheep, more dogs and of course people. Will those things happen? Who knows, but how can we live without dreaming, without hoping beyond hope. At the end of these days of daily action and single steps, step by step, the only thing I can now do is bow to devotional love, the love of karma of joy of fulfillment in each day, irrespective of the actions taken or the success of individual projects.
Thank you for the encouragement Sally, Papops and Aunty Sally.
Om shanti, Peace and Love. Beloved.